In the past, I would befriend just about anyone who I had something in common with, could share a laugh or two, or just because they were friendly. Nowadays, things are very different. Whenever I meet someone new, my first question isn’t Do you have kids? it’s How many kids do you have? All the other friendship qualities seem to take a backseat.
Clearly there’s a reason for all this: Parents just Get It. With other mommy and daddy friends, we don’t need to endure the shock of guests who visit our toy-strewn home. We don’t need to tolerate an annoyed eyeroll when we say we can’t meet at a certain time because it will interfere with the baby’s next feeding.
Whenever I spy a Childless Couple (CC) across a parking lot, walking at their own pace, carefree, hand-in-hand, I, The Bag Lady, look down at my many bags (diaper, snack, purse) and juggle them while lifting my toddler out of her carseat, trying to hear what my husband is saying over the sound of traffic, and think: We used to be you. But not anymore. Now it’s impossible for me to imagine being friends with a CC. It’s like we’re two different species.
Here we go!
I might be biased against you if…
- You have gone to bed after midnight by choice, usually after a fun evening out (yes, OUT!)
- You have slept in till whatever time you wanted after said fun evening.
- You haven’t discussed poop and pee with your partner at least once today.
- You don’t wake to the screams/crying/babbling/jumping of your toddler in the morning. You use an actual alarm clock instead.
- You have 30 minutes to get ready to go somewhere, and use all the time for yourself.
- You still remember what brunch is.
- You wonder what stay-at-home moms “do all day”.
- You don’t have to call ahead to a restaurant to confirm that they provide highchairs.
- You aren’t constantly interrupted.
- You haven’t crossed your living room and every other step was onto the sharp corner of a toy.
- You haven’t been baptized by the three P’s (Pee, Poop, and Puke) at least once per day.
- You haven’t wrestled a writhing toddler into her highchair while enduring screams that could shatter glass.
- You don’t leave the house without at least 5 bags, not counting your purse.
- You haven’t turned on the closed captions for your favorite show because you can’t hear the TV over your toddler’s repetitions of the latest word she learned.
- You haven’t yet mastered the art of typing with one hand while your baby is in your lap.
- You aren’t constantly needed.
- You haven’t cried out to a higher power at least twice a week.
- You haven’t cried after your baby’s ultrasound.
- You haven’t banished imaginary monsters from the closet or wiped real tears from your child’s face.
- You haven’t marveled at how quiet your home can be after the little ones are in bed.
- You haven’t stayed up all night, worrying about your sick baby, wishing you had her cold instead.
- You haven’t checked on your kids while they were sleeping and wondered how so much energy can be stored in such a tiny body.
- You haven’t looked into your daughter’s eyes and realized you are everything to her.